Villains Rule Read online

  by

  M. K. Gibson

  Copyright © 2017 by Michael K. Gibson

  Published by

  Amber Cove Publishing

  PO Box 9605

  Chesapeake, VA 23321

  Cover design by Raffaele Marinetti

  Visit his online gallery at http://www.raffaelemarinetti.it/

  Cover lettering by M.K. Gibson

  Book design by Jim Bernheimer

  All rights reserved.

  This is a work of fiction. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

  Visit the author’s website at www.mkgibson.com

  First Publication: February 2017

  Dedication and Acknowledgments

  How about that? My publisher actually gave me another shot to write a book for him!

  HA! Sucker!

  This particular piece of fiction is, despite the mocking nature, my love letter to the fantasy genre and table-top gaming. Tolkien, Dragonlance, Forgotten Realms, Joel Rosenberg, D&D, Whitewolf and so many more from my childhood cemented my eternal geek. But for this work, I wanted to do an action-comedy about the devices which make the stories work, and that is the villains.

  . . .While also Taking the Piss out of my beloved genre.

  Thank you to my lovely wife who, despite a complete lack of caring towards geek culture, endures my ideas, supports me, and edits my drivel.

  Thank you to Jim Bernheimer and Amber Cove Publishing for once again, giving my codified fever dreams a home.

  Thank you to my mother, Bonnie H., who always encouraged my writing.

  Massive shout out to Erik J., whose back and forth email conversations with me were the original genesis for this stupid, stupid book.

  Thank you to my friends who support and mock me. Love ya bastards.

  And lastly, thank you to the fans I’ve made who’ve given me support to keep on writing. It isn’t time to quit my day job, but my evenings are filled with making new worlds for people who wish to visit them. Love you!

  M. K. Gibson

  Table of Contents

  The Third Rule of Villainy

  Heroes are arrogant, predictable, and really, really dumb.

  Prologue

  Prologue pt. 2 - Electric Boogaloo

  The Fourth Rule of Villainy

  Villains are frequently as dumb, or dumber, than the heroes.

  Chapter One

  Where I Introduce Myself

  Chapter Two

  Where I Discuss Fantastical Beasts and How to Feed Them

  Chapter Three

  Where I Discuss Politics, Ex-Wives, and Have a Visit from my Sister

  Chapter Four

  Where I Entertain Bad People, Worse Ideas, and Give My Nephew a Job

  The Fourteenth Rule of Villainy

  Trust leads to relationships. Relationships lead to betrayal. Betrayal is your own damn fault.

  Ergo, trust is dumb.

  Chapter Five

  Where I Contemplate the Evil Nature of Horses, the State of the Poor, and Waste Teachable Moments on the Young

  Chapter Six

  Where I Discuss Shoes and Orchestrate a Bar Brawl

  Chapter Seven

  Where I Ponder My Time with He-Man and Encounter a Secret Servant

  Chapter Eight

  Where I Eat the Contents of the Monster Manual and Get Betrayed

  Chapter Nine

  Where I Recover from a Concussion and Plot the Demise of Seven Assholes

  Chapter Ten...sort of

  Where I Gloat

  Chapter Ten (The Real One)

  Where I Exploit Fantasy Loopholes and Piss off a Sea Deity

  The Ninth Rule of Villainy

  A villain will use ANYTHING to win . . . even if it sucks.

  Chapter Eleven

  Where I Begin My Quest to Find Heroes and Expose Fantasy Realm Sexism

  Chapter Twelve

  Where I Enlist My Team by Putting Innocents at Risk and Kick a Little Ass

  Chapter Thirteen

  Where I Weave a Web of Lies into Half-Truths and Ensnare a Few Heroes

  Chapter Fourteen

  Where I Meet Two Gods and Wish for a Better Cell Phone Provider

  Chapter Fifteen

  Where I Find Myself Poisoned, Robbed, and Planning on Going After a Pack of Bastards

  The Sixth Rule of Villainy

  A villain will always pay attention.

  You never know what you can learn and turn to your advantage later.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Where I Fantasize About Equestricide and Forced to Listen to Back Stories While Sleepy

  Chapter Seventeen

  Where I Prove Discretion in the Better Part of Valor and Enjoy a Final Show

  Chapter Seventeen-and-a-Half

  Where I Don’t Feel I Need to Explain Myself to You

  Chapter Eighteen

  Where I Point Out the Obvious and Plan an Escape

  The Eight Rule of Villainy

  A villain will plan for any contingency.

  Should that plan fail, a true villain will not only improvise, but they will also claim any success as a well-constructed backup plan.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Where I Discover Horrible Smells and Use the C-Word (If you find this offensive, imagine it said by a British comedian)

  Chapter Twenty

  Where I Make False Promises, Strike a Blow Against Sexism, and Get Kicked in the Balls

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Where I Ladle Out Copious Amounts of Bullshit and My Companions Ask for a Second Helping

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Where I Go from One Prison to Another and Detail Why Elves are Assholes

  The Nineteenth Rule of Villainy

  A villain knows the legal system of every location he is in and is prepared to use that system toward his advantage . . .

  preferably in a way that inspires shock and awe.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Where I Stand Trial and Drop Knowledge Bombs

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Where I Reacquaint Myself with an Old Ally and Perform Certain Necessary Acts

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Where I Negotiate Villainous Plots During a Funeral

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Where I Try to Move This Along, but Certain People Refuse to Let Me

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Where I Shine a Light on Fantasy Tropes and Go Swimming

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Where I Devise a Plan, Watch a Fight, and Listen to Barry White

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Where I Nakedly Deal with a Deity and Have a Talk with My Sexual Partner

  Chapter Thirty

  Where I Lead Us on to the Next Leg of the Adventure, Have a Cold Awkwardness with Lydia, and Find a Job for My Dead Employee

  The Tenth Rule of Villainy

  Villains make mistakes. A successful one learns from them.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Where Intelligence and Toilets are Key

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Where We Climb Through Human Shit and Wren Tries to Burn Us Alive

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Where I Skulk, Learn About Giant Sex, and Contemplate Romance

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Where I Get Healed, Get Robbed, Entertain an Offer, and Get Rescued

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Where I Spy From Above, Give Sage Villain Advice, and Am Betrayed

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Where I Am Forced To Listen to Two Traitors and Plan a Counterattack While N
ot Moving

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Where I Witness the Fury of a Half-Dwarf and Ponder Vaginal Relativity

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Where I Sacrifice a Life to Save a Life

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Where I Check on the Recently Deceased and Deal with Steve

  The Fifteenth Rule of Villainy

  A villain will always assess everything and everyone for a net gain.

  Chapter Forty

  Where We Question Carina, I Dodge a Bullet, and We Move on to Chaud

  Chapter Forty-One

  Where I Have Polite Villain-to-Villain Discourse and Enjoy a Glass of Wine

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Where I Have a Heart-to-Heart with Hawker and Consider My Grandmother’s Cryptic Adage

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Where I Put My Plan into Action and Receive a Threat

  The Twenty-First Rule of Villainy

  The enemies you make speak louder about you than your allies.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Where Families Reunite and I Learn that Snitches Get Stitches

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Where I Explain Some Rules, Deal with Paige, and Suffer from a Gunshot Wound

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Where I Ponder Paige’s Fate, Compare Myself to Tolkien, and Consider Public Nudity

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Where I Question Whether or Not I Possess Guilt

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Where I Witness Grimskull’s Tantrum and I Learn a Bit More About My Conspirators

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  Where I Confront a God and I’m Forced to Do the Unspeakable

  Chapter Fifty

  Where I Receive Help, Say Goodbye to Bad Business Partners, and Pray

  The Seventh Rule of Villainy

  A villain will never claim victory. Victory only comes when all enemies have either perished or submit to you and they claim you victor.

  Otherwise, you are bound to be beaten just when you think you have won.

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Where I Sell Lydia and Take Cover While the Avatars Battle

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Where Hawker Gets His Revenge and Grimskull Gets a Visit

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  Where I Reconnect with an Old Ally and Discover a New Enemy

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  Where I Am Dumbstruck

  Chapter Fifty-Five

  Where I Witness Evil and Receive a Lecture

  The Second Rule of Villainy

  A villain will know every rule through and through. And when in doubt, a villain will always refer to rule #1.

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  Where I Am Forced to Listen to Randy and I Test a Theory

  Chapter Fifty-Seven

  Where the Heroes Unite and Randy Tells a Very Unfunny Joke

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  Where I Have a Near-Death Experience

  Chapter Fifty-Nine

  Where I Take a Painful Walk and Accept My Fate

  Chapter Sixty

  Where I Reveal the First Rule of Villainy

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  The Third Rule of Villainy

  Heroes are arrogant, predictable, and really, really dumb.

  Prologue

  (Look, I know prologues can be boring. But they are there for a reason. So just read it. And if it helps, imagine it being read in a fancy accent.)

  The warrior rode home.

  What was left of the Elder River village still smoldered. Almost a year to the day, smoke rose from the magically immolated land the warrior called home.

  Home.

  The warrior had been gone so long, the word “home” had nearly lost meaning. Through the trials he endured and the dangers he faced, the warrior had stayed focused.

  When his village and his family were slaughtered and burned by the half-fire giant General Anders, the war leader for the hordes of the Baron Grimskull, he was lost. He was destroyed inside. But the warrior had been taken in by his mentor, Zachariah Greywalker. It was in the home of the elves of the Whispering Woods where the warrior was taught to fight, taught to use his mind, and taught to live again. It was there where the warrior fell in love with the elf maiden Lady Alianna.

  The warrior promised his mentor and his beloved he would find the Baron Grimskull’s weakness and bring peace to the land. And to the horizon, he set off.

  Death the warrior courted, and death he delivered upon the enemies who barred his way. The Nameless Sea could not claim him. The Waste of Sand and Tears could not contain him. The bleak rock of the Grey Spire Mountains could not deter him.

  And finally, deep beneath the Peak of Inverness, the Bray Beast of D’hoom Dungeon fell to him. It was there in D’hoom Dungeon the warrior found the source of Grimskull’s power: Amulet of the Ember Soul. Armed with the amulet, the warrior could strip the baron of his power. With this, he could bring an end to Grimskull’s tyranny. With this he could usher in a new age of peace.

  The remnants of the Elder River village were in view. The sun set on the horizon. Blue and purple wove a tapestry of twilight across the valley sky. The warrior wanted nothing more than to return to the woods and to his lady love. But first, he had a promise to keep. A promise to himself.

  The warrior rode through the remnants of the village gates, charred from the attack. He slipped off his horse and closed his eyes and breathed in deeply the scent of his home. He felt right, true, and just.

  “Mother, Father, my friends . . . your deaths will be avenged. I wish I had been stronger then. I wish I could have saved you. But with this amulet, I will destroy Grimskull. And I will rebuild here. Your sacrifice will be the foundation of a stronger tomorrow. On this, I swear!”

  The warrior had left this place a fearful boy. Now, the boy was a man, and the man would defeat any enemy that stood before him.

  “By the gods above and below, I dare any to stand between me and my sacred vow,” the warrior growled.

  From the shadows behind the warrior stepped a rather large man dressed in all black tactical gear with night-vision goggles. The man in black cracked the warrior over the head with a rubberized metal baton, dropping him into the dirt.

  Nudging the warrior on the ground with the steel toe of his combat boot, the man in black judged the warrior unconscious. The man in black took the pouch holding the Amulet of the Ember Soul from the warrior’s belt. Opening the bag to inspect that the Amulet of the Ember Soul was intact, the man in black nodded with satisfaction.

  The man in black leaped up on the warrior’s horse and steered the horse away, leaving the village. With a backwards glance at the fallen warrior, the man in black muttered in dismissive, eye-rolling disgust:

  “Heroes are so fucking stupid.”

  Prologue pt. 2 - Electric Boogaloo

  In a pocket dimension, between the real world and the fantasy realms, and slightly to the right of the world where your left socks go missing, existed the executive office of The Blackwell Corporation, Evil Consulting Agency. The ultra-modern building sat atop a lone barren mountain, seemingly floating in a void.

  The waiting area inside the lobby of Blackwell Inc. contrasted the building’s exterior. The retro 1970s décor was lit by harsh flickering fluorescent lighting. The rectangular off-white ceiling tiles were intermittently stained the color of weak tea. The area resembled the airport lounge of days gone by, complete with rows of piss-yellow, hard plastic chairs attached to scratched chrome frames with nary an armrest to be found.

  Muzak versions of fantasy realms madrigals droned painfully from the tinny, crackling speakers. The waiting room walls were floor-to-ceiling glass windows that looked off into the nothingness of the pocket dimension. The view gave the lobby a perpetual nighttime look and radiated cold.

  But mostly, the lobby stank. It stank of many things: stale cigarette butts in full ashtrays, burnt coffee in the antique percolator, and the
stale popcorn of a 1980s K-Mart.

  The waiting room also stank from the presence of the eternal rotting corpse of the Dread Zombie Lich Lord Morakesh and his nine mummy high priests.

  Just ask Sophia.

  Sophia Rose DeVrille, Blackwell Corporation’s one and only receptionist, sat in her chair behind a fuck-all awesomely ornate cherry and mahogany desk. She typed away at her keyboard while sitting in her ridiculously expensive chair. Sophia felt that her lower lumbar was not only being supported, it was practically being made love to.

  Sophia wasn’t really typing any kind of letter or email. She was just choosing to ignore the increasingly impatient Lord Morakesh, despite the stink. The Dread Lord’s nine high priests sat in the lobby reading out-of-date magazines like Better Homes & Gardens, various parenting magazines, and Highlights. Lord Morakesh stood in front of Sophia’s desk with his arms crossed, tapping his undead foot impatiently. Little necrotic bits of the Dread Lord were falling into piles despite his bandages and ceremonial armor.

  It was quite disgusting.

  Lord Morakesh continued standing in angry silence while the clock on the wall ticked.

  Tick.

  Tick.

  Tick.

  Tick.

  “Excuse me, but I have an appointment!” Lord Morakesh belted out in exasperation.

  “No. You don’t,” Sophia mumbled without looking up, continuing her fake typing.

  “Well, no. But do you know who I am?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes? And?”

  “And I do not care, sir.”

  “I am the Dread Lord Morakesh!”

  “And that,” Sophia gestured absently, “is the Infamous Alpha Werewolf, Grey Fang, of the Dessemark Bloodpack."

  Grey Fang inclined his head slightly in a sign of acknowledgment, shifted his Boy's Life magazine, crossed his legs, and began to lick-clean his crotch. Thoroughly.

  “Over there,” Sophia continued, “is The Torment. Non-Corporeal Manifestation of Abstract Evil. Master of the Never Realm’s Sphere of Pain and Suffering.”

  The Torment floated above his chair in a seething cloud of smoke, fire, and pain. There was the faintest outline of a man within the billowing despair. While not having an apparent face or mouth, The Torment seemed to greatly enjoy the Blackwell complimentary cookies and juice box. Drunk, of course, with a crazy straw.